Crazy Cures
by Leanne W

Who said there was no cure for arthritis? And why do the pharmaceutical companies insist on developing expensive medications that only slow the disease progression? Obviously the researchers and developers in these companies are not speaking to the right people. Anyone with arthritis can tell them that you just have to mention you have arthritis to your friends, relatives, neighbours and even perfect strangers and you will be given any number of sure-fire cures.

Now the first thing to remember is that we are all too young to have arthritis and there are plenty of people out there willing to remind us of this when ever we forget. Obviously any aches you have are either just in your mind or due to “growing pains” (oh please let me stop growing then!). But don’t worry, once you pass the point of being considered too young, you can look forward to being told that “everyone gets a touch of arthritis as they get older” so it’s nothing to worry about.

If you manage to convince whomever you are speaking to that you really do have arthritis, they will be more than happy to share their own personal experiences or those of their best friend’s cousin three times removed. And you can be assured that they will have at least one guaranteed remedy or cure for you to try. Plus you will no longer have to waste your money on regular doctors visits and expensive medications that push you over the PBS Safety Net threshold before the end of winter.

It is possible of course that the problems you have are just due to the weather. But whatever the cause, it seems that we are all wasting our time listening to our doctors and taking all these medications that no one has ever heard of. And it is possible that the medications are actually the cause of your condition rather than an effective treatment. After all, none of the people who have discovered all these cures have ever needed to take things like this. Just take plenty of aspirin or paracetamol and you will have no more problems. Plus all those ads on the TV say that these work a treat for strong pain and we all know that what we see on TV just has to be true.

If basic analgesics don’t produce the promised cure, then don’t despair. Just take yourself off to the local health food store or the herbal remedy section of your local supermarket or chemist. You will be sure to find any number of potential cures. Some of the more common ones include fish oil supplements, ginger extract, green lip muscle, seaweed, shark cartilage, coral calcium, evening primrose, aloe vera “juice”, glucosamine (even for the inflammatory types of arthritis), vitamin B and MSM (a sulphur compound).

What do you mean you still aren’t cured? Oh well, maybe one of the dietary changes (but if you try all of them at once, you may go very hungry) or concoctions will work for you. Just avoid all hot, spicy foods, cabbage, cauliflower, spinach, broccoli, okra, potatoes, tomatoes, tea, coffee, alcohol, white sugar, yoghurt, chocolate, cocoa, anything containing caffeine and dairy products. But do eat lots of sour cherries and take daily doses (1-2 teaspoons should be enough) of Epsom salts, Gelatine, Pectin and Olive Oil. Another sure-fire cure is to daily drink 2 teaspoons of cider vinegar and 2 teaspoons of honey mixed in a cup of warm water. You should also eat 3 raisins that have been soaked in Vodka or Gin every day. I know alcohol is on the “to be avoided” list but it seems that it is okay when it has been absorbed by the raisins first.

For those of you who can’t get though the day without caffeine, there is no need to despair. Although you are no longer able to drink anything containing caffeine, a good coffee enema is certain to provide that much sort after cure and caffeine fix. Unfortunately, no information was available on what sort of coffee could be used or if it could contain milk, sugar or flavourings.

Now that you have taken all your supplements, have had your coffee enema and have eaten nothing other than Epsom salts, gelatine, pectin, olive oil, apple cider vinegar with honey and 3 raisins soaked in Vodka or Gin, its time to try a few of the following devices and activities just to ensure that cure is complete and long lasting. Firstly, book yourself on a trip to the desert and lie in the hot sand (or you could try a sandpit and heat lamps) for a couple of days. Once you have done this, you will be keen to make sure all that sand is removed so go and have a nice long soak in a hot bath. You can also add red cider vinegar to the bath water for increased benefit. After your soak, apply liberal amounts of any menthol smelling rub to your joints and massage well. Once that has been absorbed, rub in some peanut oil and then spray all your joints with WD40. Now place copper and magnetic bracelets on both wrists and head off to bed (which of course has a magnetic mattress and pillow). But no sleep mind you because frequent “intimate” activity is also a sure-fire cure for all those pesky aches and pains.

Okay, hand up anyone who still isn’t cured? What do you mean you can’t raise your arm because your shoulder and elbow hurt? I guess these cures aren’t so sure-fire after all.

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Disclaimer
The information provided on this site should not replace the advice and guidance of your own health-care providers. All material is provided for educational and informational purposes only and is the opinion of the authors. Please check with your doctor before making any changes to your treatment.

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